The Devil or the Deep Blue Sea
by mrsgunsage
Summary: Rosalie has been deeply disappointed with her existence since she awakened from the flames of her conversion. She has a doting family and the love of a good man, but has always longed for humanity and motherhood… and more.  Will she choose Em or Life?


Feb. 24, 2025

**Rosalie**

When I came to, I was looking into the eyes of the one person I loathed more than any other, Jacob-fucking-Black. He was still breathing only because Nessie and Bella would be irate with me if I killed him.

"Mutt, you have 2.3 seconds to get the fuck out of my face before I decide that shape-shifter is close enough to true wolf for my tastes!"

He looked shocked… wait, he'd looked shocked since the moment I focused on his ugly mug. What the Hell? Jacob was never rendered silent by my bitching and verbal abuse, usually he gave as good as he got. I _almost_ kind of grudgingly respected him for that.

"Rose…" His voice was barely more than a whisper and for some odd reason I was having trouble hearing him. "Christ… Rose, I'm so sorry! I tried to get to you in time, but he was quicker than me. I thought you were going to die. I'm so fucking happy you didn't… I promise, no more blonde jokes!"

I tried to stand and became extremely confused when I couldn't. I'm a vampire, I eat grizzly bears for breakfast and laugh in the face of injuries that would kill a mortal… so why the fuck can't I get up? Why can't I remember being knocked down? Suddenly I was terrified.

"Jake, who was quicker than you? " I hated the tremble in my voice, but I couldn't seem to control it. "What happened to me? Why can't I get up? I don't like being scared, but I am. What happened and why can't I remember?"

His face contorted, and I was shocked to see a tear slide down his cheek. "Can I help you sit up, Rose? Will you let me?"

I nodded and he leaned close to put his arms around my shoulders and gently lift me into a sitting position propped against a boulder. I immediately noticed two things that sent my mind into a tailspin: Jake didn't feel like an open flame against my skin, and I didn't smell his repulsive wolf-stench.

"Jake…" I couldn't keep the terror out of my voice, and he winced again.

"I know, Rose. I'll tell you everything."

He sat next to me, and for the first time in the 20 years I'd known him I didn't shirk away and wrinkle my nose. I was starting to notice other things that frightened me as my shock wore off. I was in pain. I hadn't experienced actual pain since I'd awakened from the fires of the conversion. I felt a weird sensation on my face and brushed my hand against my cheek. I held my shaking fingers in front of my eyes and saw wetness on them. Tears. I hadn't cried in over 90 years, and now there were tears running from my eyes.

Without thinking about it, I flung myself into Jake's arms. He was familiar and I needed somebody to hold me together as my brain struggled to accept what had happened to me.

"I'm human, aren't I?"

He arranged me in his lap so that he could hold my head to his shoulder. "Yeah."

"How? What happened to me?"

I felt the shudder wrack through his massive frame and realized that as much as we mutually disliked each other on a normal basis, he had been genuinely terrified for me today.

"We were out running with Ness and Bells, and everybody was having a good time. Suddenly, you and Ness were frozen on the spot. Bells threw up her shield hoping that would set you guys free, but nothing happened. I went and started scouting around to see if I could catch the scent of a vampire I didn't recognize while she hung back to guard you guys, but there was nothing. I couldn't smell anything that seemed out of place and neither could any of you, but we all had this creepy feeling of being watched."

My mind was struggling to keep up with him, as small snippets of my memories were coming back. "I told Bella to take Nessie and run, didn't I?"

He nodded. "Once they were gone, we were trying to puzzle out where the menacing feeling was coming from. I was over there in the tree line when I heard you scream for me. I turned back towards you and there he was. It was like he came out of nowhere and neither of us could smell him."

"It wasn't a vampire."

"Lycan. A real Child of the Moon."

"Where is he now?" My voice was shrill and breaking with my fear. "We can't let him go after Bella and Nessie!"

"Shhhh…" he hugged me a little tighter, trying to soothe my panic for my sister-in-law and niece. "They're fine. He can't hurt them, Rose."

He jerked his thumb over his shoulder towards the cliffs. I looked and saw a small fire and a huge mound of fur.

"I killed him and burned his head. I figured Emmett might want the pelt, if not he can burn the rest. I just wish I could have gotten to you before he bit you. His claws were shredding you pretty bad, but the cuts were healing almost as fast as he could inflict them. You didn't start convulsing until he bit you; that's when the cuts stopped healing as well."

I vaguely remembered the searing agony, worse than the conversion, but thankfully short lived before I lapsed into blackness.

"How long?"

"About 15 minutes, but you were only awake for maybe five minutes of that time. Once your heart started beating again, you passed out. I called Bells and she was trying to reach everybody to get Em and Carlisle home. Your leg is broken for sure, and possibly some other stuff. Plus, you still have claw marks from after he bit you. I guess you'll either have to heal the old fashioned way, or have Em turn you again as soon as he gets here."

My brain ceased trying to understand and caught on one phrase. _Turn me again_. Did I _want_ to be turned again? I love my husband and our family… but to be _human_ again. To have my own babies instead of pretending Nessie was my child. To be able to grow old and bounce my grandchildren on my knee before dying as God intended… it was everything I had ever dreamed of. It was all I had ever wanted.

I shivered, but feeling the sensation of cold again after all of these years made me smile. Jake chuckled at my transparent joy and cuddled me closer to keep me from losing too much body heat.

"You're a pretty good space heater, Jake. I can see why Bella was glad to have you around before the fight against Victoria now."

"Yeah… that's me; your very own personal port-o-furnace. I'd carry you back to the house, but I'm scared to move you before Carlisle gets a chance to see how bad you're injured and if there's anything internally damaged. Do you mind me keeping you warm, Rose?"

"No. You don't stink anymore, and I know you'll keep me safe until the family gets here. I just need to think about some things before they do."

I saw a look of understanding cross his face, before he swiftly composed his features and squirmed around until he was resting his back against the boulder so he could comfortably keep me wrapped against his warm chest. He knew exactly what I wanted to think about, and I appreciated that he was obviously going to remain silent and let me sort my head out.

I had a strict policy of brutal self-honesty. I knew I was shallow, vain, and selfish. I never let myself ignore those facts; I just didn't see much use in trying to change things. That was one of the biggest reasons Edward and I butted heads for all of the years before he met Bella; he was all about self-sacrifice and making sure everybody around him was happy. He couldn't understand how I could put myself ahead of everyone else… including Emmett. I was all about me, and his broody self-martyrdom annoyed me to no end.

We finally found some common ground when a mousy little human stumbled into his life and changed everything in his universe. For the first time, Edward found something he was willing to be selfish about. He wanted Bella, no matter the cost to anybody else. Oh, he tried to be self-sacrificing after Jasper took that snap at her, but it didn't last for long and after his return from Volterra he ruthlessly set out to force her hand… literally. She hadn't wanted to get married at 18 years old; he left her no choice, they would be married or he wouldn't change her. I was against his ultimatum since she had a death threat from the Volturi hanging over her head, but he used that leverage to get what he wanted.

We found even more common ground the day Bella called on me to protect her. For the first time I found myself putting someone ahead of me. When Bella called from Isle Esme begging me to help her save the life of her child, I knew I couldn't refuse her. I won't lie… A small part of my cooperation was based on a selfish desire to raise the child if it killed Bella. But I also knew the unbearable desire for a baby in my arms, and I wouldn't let Bella have her only chance at motherhood taken away when she was willing to die for her baby.

I thought I could never know the joy of a baby growing in my womb; but for the first time since I was brutalized in a dirty back alley and unwillingly damned to immortality, I had that possibility again. All I had to do was walk away from the man who loved me more than anything in creation and a family who accepted me unconditionally, faults and all.

Carlisle and Esme would support me no matter what decision I made, even though staying human would mean I would have to separate myself from them. I could correspond though letters or email, keep them up to date on my life as it unfolded. Alice would pout, but she wouldn't protest much. We were never particularly close and she had all of the best friend/sister she could ever hope for in Bella. Jasper would be unaffected by my departure if left to his own devices. We proclaimed ourselves twins for the human charade, but at best we were merely cordial. Of all of the family he was the one I felt the least connection with.

Ironically, I had the closest thing to a true sibling relationship with Edward. I knew he would miss me, but he would have Bella and Nessie. Bella and I bonded closely during her pregnancy and Nessie's infancy; she would be heart-broken if I chose to leave, but Bella could never begrudge anybody true happiness. Yes, my sister would miss me… but she would also rejoice for me.

Emmett and Nessie would be the only real inducements to return to my barren, immortal existence. My love for my niece was deep and abiding; it would pain me deeply to know I could never see her again. But a child of my own was a stronger lure than eternal "aunt-dom".

My love for Emmett was even deeper than my love for Ness… but I'd never considered him my soul-mate. I knew he was more bonded to me than I was to him and that if I left he might never be the same. But now I had a chance to find a man who called to me the same way I called to him, who could father my children and grow old with me… that appealed to me more than the passion Emmett and I shared.

I loved my parents and siblings, but not more than myself. I could honestly admit that if I only had to consider their feelings I would walk away right now. For Emmett and Renesmee's sakes, I needed more time to think. I didn't want to make a rash decision…

The buzzing of Jake's cell phone against my hip brought me out of my thoughts. He shifted me carefully, but even that tiny movement caused pain to blossom throughout my battered body.

"Hello? … Nope, we're staying here until Carlisle can check her over. … How soon?"

It was disorienting to only be able to hear one side of the conversation taking place, especially since I knew it was about me. I held out my hand for the phone, and Jake complied.

"Hello?"

"Rose? Are you OK?"

Edward. I wondered briefly where Emmett was.

"I hurt, Edward. I know that's a weird thing to be elated over, but I'm experiencing pain. I can cry. I'm shivering with cold. I've never been so happy in my entire life!"

"Rose, you know Emmett will be devastated if you choose to stay human."

"I know. How long do you think he'll let me think about this before he gets too antsy?"

He sighed, and I knew he was calculating Emmett's speed in his head. "He left about 20 minutes ago and he's running. He should be there in about an hour. Jazz, Ali, and I are bringing the cars back, so we're at least two and a half hours out. Carlisle will probably be there around the same time as Emmett."

My brain kicked into overdrive. I wasn't sure how long Emmett's patience would hold out while I was considering humanity...

"Rose…" Edward's tone was hesitant, as if he was debating himself. "Oh, God… Rose I know you want this more than anything." I heard the resignation in his voice.

"If you want to remain human you'll need to be gone before Emmett gets there. He's not rational right now and he's planning on biting you the moment he gets to you. If you're not there when I get home, please know that I love you. You can email me or Bella anytime and we'll send you pictures of everybody if you want. I have to go."

The phone disconnected and my panicked eyes found Jacob's disturbed face.

"Could you really walk away from him, Rose? Forever?"

"I don't know. I but do know that I can't let him take the choice away from me! I have to get out of here, at least for a few weeks. I have an extra set of documents and cash back at the house, Jake. Get me there, and then take me to a clinic. After I get my leg set, I'll vanish for a few weeks until I get my head wrapped around everything."

"You love him, Rose. I know you've always wanted this, but think about what it'll do to Em if you choose not to come back."

"Think about what it will do to _me_ if he takes my choice away from me, Jacob! I could never forgive him if he forced this on me; and what about you, _Quileute Protector_? Could you honestly allow him to hold me down and bite me against my will?"

I saw the deep pain on Jacob's face. His friendship with Emmett was fighting against the most basic instinct he possessed… the instinct to defend humans against the Cold Ones.

After a moment of tormented debate, his face hardened and I saw resolve settle in his eyes. "No, Rose. I wouldn't let him bite you against your will. Do you think you can pull yourself onto my back after I phase so I can get you to the house quicker?"

I nodded and Jake gently sat me against the boulder before stepping around behind it to strip and phase. The giant russet wolf was by my side mere seconds later, lying next to me so I could leverage myself onto his back. Once I was settled and had a good grip on his fur, he broke into a full out run for our house.

Bella met us at the door, concern and determination warring on her expressive face. "I have a good idea what you're planning, Rose. Let me set your leg and stitch anything that needs it instead of you stopping in at a clinic. It'll buy you that much more time to get out of town."

"Thanks, Bells. I always knew having another MD in the house would come in handy someday."

She worked with vampire speed, and within 15 minutes she was done casting my leg and stitching the three worst claw marks on my sides. Jake vanished while she was working with the needle and came back with two of my bags.

"The larger one is full of clothes and shoes. The smaller one has your toiletries, make-up, and some of Ness's… uhmmm… female items. She packed both of these, so you should have everything you'll need. Where are your papers and cash? I'll get them so we can be out the door as soon as Bells is done with you."

I told him where to find my personal safe and gave him the combination. He raced up the stairs and was back by the time Bella was finished with my final stitch. She gave me a bottle of pain pills, a prescription in my new name for a refill, and a copy of my fake medical records.

I placed both hands on my sister's icy cheeks, knowing there was a possibility I wouldn't see her in person again. "I love you, Bella. I love Nessie and Edward. I love everybody dearly; I just can't let Emmett change me back until I'm sure it's what I want."

She smiled and placed her hands over mine, "I know, Rose. You're caught between the devil or the deep blue sea. I understand. I love you. Renesmee and Edward love you. We all love you. Figure things out for yourself. We'll all be here waiting if you want to come home; if you choose differently you can call me anytime. You'll always be my sister, no matter what. Now go."

My last sight before Jake pulled my Mercedes out of the driveway was of Bella and Nessie, smiling brightly and waving to me like I was off for a day of shopping.

September 3, 2080

The Columbus Dispatch

Lillian Rose McCarty Donovan passed into eternal rest on September 1st, 2080 at the age of 74.

Lilly was preceded in death by her beloved husband, Evan Joseph Donovan. She is survived by her children Alexandra (Kevin) Mitchell, Allison (Michael) Sumner, and Aidan (Lacey) Donovan. She is also survived and sadly missed by her grandchildren Jackson (Beth) Mitchell, Isabella Sumner (Ethan) Collins, Renee Sumner (Isaiah) Burrell, and Emmalee Donovan; along with numerous distant relations and multitudes of friends.

Lilly missed meeting her much anticipated great granddaughter by one day, but the family knows that she will forever watch over Lillian Rose Mitchell with the same fierce protectiveness and unwavering love and devotion she gave to all of her family and friends.

Lilly graduated from Oberlin College in 2029 with a degree in Psychology, and moved to Columbus to obtain her Masters Degree at the Ohio State University. It was there she met Evan and found the great love story she said she'd spent her entire life looking for.

Lilly worked tirelessly in the Columbus community as a counselor for battered and abused women and children, and partnered with local law enforcement agencies and politicians to enact laws with stiffer penalties for the perpetrators of domestic and child abuse.

There will be a public memorial celebration of Lilly's life at St. Catherine's Catholic Church on September 5th, 2080 at 2pm. The family asks that in lieu of flowers donations be made to Donovan House, the non-profit women's and children's shelter founded by Lilly, or to St. Jude's Children's Hospital.

September 5, 2080

**Renesmee**

I waited until a pretty good crowd was accumulated in the hall at St. Catherine's before I entered. I wanted to blend in and not draw attention to myself. My cover story in case one of Rose's family members saw me and commented on my "resemblance" to her old friend Nessie, was that I was Nessie and Jake's granddaughter Carlie, come to pay my respects on their behalf as their health prohibited them from travelling currently.

Fortunately, nobody seemed to notice me. I was able to walk around the room, absorbing the pictures of Rose's life and family that adorned almost every visible millimeter of wall space. I noticed immediately that the reserved layer that was present in every picture we had of Rose before her transformation was completely gone. She was open, vibrant, and joyful. Her amber eyes, the one physical holdover from her life as a Cullen, sparkled with humor and love and her smile was never forced. Our Rose had finally blossomed, and she was magnificent.

I could tell that these displays were comprised of copies of original photos, so I didn't feel an abundance of guilt for using my vampire speed to snag a few to take home for the family.

I took one of Rose and Evan on their wedding day. The amount of love radiating between them rivaled what I saw between my parents. Their foreheads were together and they were smiling at each other, completely oblivious to the rest of the world around them. Mom and Alice snuck in to the ceremony to give their sister our family's blessings, and they both relayed to me later on that they had never seen Rose so happy and content. They left before she came back down the aisle, not wanting her to have any melancholy thoughts of us on her special day.

My next acquisition was a picture of Rose and Evan piled on a hospital bed with the newly born Aidan in her arms while Evan had his arms around Alexandra and Allison. The girls were smiling down at their baby brother, Rose was smiling at all of her children, and Evan was kissing her forehead with his mega-watt grin still visible. Mom and Carlisle were working in Pediatrics at OSU Medical Center when Aidan was born, and they'd gotten to hold and cuddle him a little when he was in the nursery. They also got to briefly meet Evan and the girls, and both were impressed by what a doting husband and father Rose found in Evan.

My attention caught on a picture of Rose and Evan at Alexandra's wedding. I could see the progression of their ages, but they were still an undeniably handsome couple. His hand was on her hip and hers was on his chest. Their foreheads were together again, in what was clearly a favorite position for them to show their affection for each other. Alexandra and her new husband were smiling at the sight of them from the background of the photo.

A photo of Rose covered in her grandchildren was the next to join my collection. Emmalee was probably around a year old and Rose had her lifted into the air in the classic game of SuperBaby. Her smile was wide and inviting, matched perfectly by the dimpled smile on little Emmalee's chubby face. The other children were clinging to her legs and holding her arms. Aidan was caught in the middle of convulsive laughter while trying to take Emmalee from his mother and Evan was off to the side, his eyes soft with his love for Rose and the ever-present grin firmly situated on his face.

I grabbed a picture of Rose and Evan at their 45th wedding anniversary celebration. They were in their classic position; foreheads together, intimate smiles, and eyes only for each other while the world around them ceased to exist for that moment. Their children and grandchildren were all grouped around them, smiling at the love that was still clearly evident between the elderly couple. Rose was still a remarkably beautiful woman at 69, and Evan's grin hadn't lost any of its charm at 71. Their silver hair and wrinkles actually enhanced their looks, because it was obvious they'd acquired both during lives filled with love and happiness.

The last photo I wanted was a rare shot of only Rose. It had been taken after Evan passed on, and you could see the yearning on her face. Her smile was still sweet and her eyes were still vibrant, but there was poignancy that had never been there previously. I knew the look well from when the mated couples in my family were separated for more than a few days. Her soul was crying out for its mate.

I decided it was time to go before I pushed my luck too far. I whispered a goodbye as I passed the large portrait of Rose that sat by her casket during the funeral, and stopped to quickly sign the guestbook; Carlie Black, on behalf of Nessie and Jake Black. I nodded and smiled to a few people on my way out, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.

I stopped at a park a few blocks from the church so I could grieve quietly for a few moments before I headed to the airport. As I was collecting myself to get back in the car, my phone rang. The caller ID read Svetlana.

"Hi Aunt 'Lana, how are you?"

A deep masculine chuckle came across the line, instead of the tinkling tone of my newest aunt. "Hi kiddo."

"Hey Uncle Em. What's up? Where's Aunt 'Lana?"

Emmett had been beside himself when Rose vanished. He left in a rage and we were afraid we would never see him again. Two years later he turned up out of the blue with Svetlana. She was his singer, but he managed to turn her instead of killing her. They completed each other in a way he and Rose hadn't. She matured Emmett, and he brought playfulness to her normally serious personality. I knew he always kept a small place in his heart that belonged only to Rose, but Svetlana owned the rest of him totally and he was blissfully happy with her.

"She's hunting. We're getting ready to leave Russia to meet up with everybody else and she still gets nervous about planes. How's Ohio?"

"Ohio's good, Uncle Em."

There was a moment of awkward silence before his hushed voice whispered across the line to me, "Was she happy, Ren? Did she make the right choice?"

I thought about the pictures in my purse and smiled.

"Yeah, Uncle Em, she did make the right choice. She had a really good life."


End file.
